my phone needs a breathalizer
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize