Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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