She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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