well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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