Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize