Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
