I want to make a zoo with you.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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