Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
