My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
