woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
