I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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