I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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