how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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