when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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