I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
