One girl and one boy is just not enough.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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