I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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