you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Hippo gnu deer
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
