Have you finally orgasmed yet?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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