It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
