Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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