At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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