It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
