yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
