I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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