This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
