So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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