Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
