if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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