4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize