is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
