I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
