dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
