Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize