I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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