I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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