walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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