checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
