your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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