you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Randomize