It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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