she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
