He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I want her autograph on my taint
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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