oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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