i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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