i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
