i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
