She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
