my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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