I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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