I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
