so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
