everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
not ubering you a puppy
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
