What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
