So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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