You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
