Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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