that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
