I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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