but the lizard people decide everything anyway
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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