he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
