wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
