The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
