I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize