Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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