So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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